I feel really lonely going through IVF
So many women say they have never felt this lonely before
A different type of loneliness
The loneliness is one of the things that most takes you by surprise.
It’s not the kind of loneliness that comes from being physically alone, or because you don’t have many people in your life who care about you.
It is a different kind of loneliness.
The kind that comes from facing something significant that nobody else in your life can truly understand.
As someone who has been through IVF and infertility myself, I know this feeling well.
And I know how it can creep up on you, and contribute to making this a really difficult thing to be going through.
Feeling alone because people in your life don’t understand
You probably have people in your life who really care about you, deeply. And they probably want to support you.
But they don’t always understand. It is not the sort of thing people really can get a grasp on unless they have been through it personally.
So they may try and help by saying things which they think show their support. Saying things like…
It’s exciting you are doing IVF.
Just stay positive and it will happen.
Try to relax.
It will happen when it is meant to.
And some of them will probably give you unsolicited advice - telling you how a friend of a friend, a work colleague, a cousin, someone they read about online did x, y, or z, and they got pregnant.
As though what works for one individual is likely to be the solution for you.
While these comments are coming from a good place, they don’t land well. And they can leave you feeling misunderstood, and even more alone.
Because you don’t need advice from someone who has not been through it.
You don’t need forced positivity.
You want people to understand how hard this is. How it feels to be in this position.
The stress, the overwhelm, the lack of control you feel.
You want them to understand how much this matters to you. And how much you have sacrificed already.
You want them to recognise you are grieving a straightforward path to motherhood, and you carry a fear that you may not get to become a mum at all.
The loneliness of feeling left behind
One of the loneliest parts of this is feeling like you are stuck in limbo, while everyone around you is moving forward with their lives.
Infertility and IVF often consumes you for years, and it can become the main focus in your life.
Meanwhile, other people may be getting pregnant and having babies.
Some people may be onto their second child.
Friends may be moving forward in their careers, while you don’t have the energy or motivation to try and pursue a new role or a promotion.
People may be going on exciting holidays, buying houses, moving. And you are here, putting your time, effort and money into IVF, and feeling like nothing has changed.
This can feel really isolating and difficult. The world is moving forwards but you feel left behind - still struggling to get pregnant and become a mum.
Feeling lonely when people stop asking how it’s going
This is something many women talk about. At the beginning, everyone you confide in asks how it is going. They check in with you. They want updates. And they try and support you, even if their support doesn’t feel like what you need.
But as time passes, the questions often become less frequent. There can be gaps where you don’t hear from them. Once you are into the second or third cycle, they may be hesitant to enquire, because they realise the journey is not as straightforward as they first thought it would be for you.
They might worry that asking will upset you. Or they often will say they are giving you space.
Additionally, as time goes on and months turn into years - their lives also move on. They have more demands on them, possibly more responsibilities and other interests.
If they have become mums, there can be a tendency to gravitate towards mum friends who can relate to what they are going through.
And so you can feel left on the side-lines. It may not be deliberate, but this can feel like a rejection. You might start to feel like you are no longer a core part of the friendship group - particularly if the rest of them have had children. This only serves to compound the feelings of loss and grief you are already experiencing.
It is an incredibly lonely and isolating place to be.
The loneliness of thoughts and feelings you struggle to admit
For many women, this is one of the loneliest parts of the process.
There are often a lot of thoughts and feelings that you may hold in and struggle to voice to anyone - or even admit to yourself. Things like…
Fear that IVF may never work for you.
Wondering if you can face another cycle.
Feeling like a failure and blaming yourself because it hasn’t worked yet.
Feeling difficult emotions like resentment, envy, jealousy and anger - towards the world, and towards pregnant women who seemingly manage to get pregnant with ease while you have been struggling for years.
These are not always easy things to think or feel, even though they are very common when going through IVF and infertility challenges.
But you may not realise other people also feel this way, and you might not have anyone you can talk to who you know will understand.
Carrying all of this on your own can feel isolating and hard.
I’m Saff Mitten
I am a therapist who supports women with all aspects of the IVF and infertility journey.
I am passionate about this work because I have been through IVF and fertility issues myself, and I know how difficult it can be.
If you would like support, or just want to know more, please contact me. I offer a free no-pressure introductory chat.
My Professional Qualifications
MA, Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy
Pg. Dip, Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy
Dip, Integrative Counselling
And more than a decade of experience working as a counsellor and psychotherapist
Professional Memberships
Registered Member, BACP and I abide by their code of ethics
Member, BICA
Miscarriage Association -
I am an approved therapist on their Counsellors Directory
Somewhere you can share this
One of the things I have learned, both professionally and personally, is that loneliness can start to ease when we feel understood.
Not fixed.
Not told to look on the bright side.
But understood and validated in what we are going through.
Sometimes the greatest relief is being able to say the things you have been carrying for months or years, that you thought nobody could understand, and have somebody truly get it.
That depth of recognition can mean so much.
IVF is a very hard, gruelling process that takes so much from you.
Having somewhere to be completely open, to share the emotional and mental weight of it - and receive understanding compassion and true support, can help you feel less lonely, and that can feel like a relief.
Getting Support
I am a counsellor and psychotherapist who specialises in supporting women with all aspects of IVF and infertility.
Alongside my professional experience, IVF and infertility is something I’ve experienced personally.
I had a long IVF and infertility journey myself. So I know how lonely and isolating it can be, and I know that people just aren’t able to understand what you are going through, unless they have experienced it too.
I offer online therapy sessions across the UK. If you feel you could benefit from support and would like to feel less alone with it all, please contact me. I would like to help if I can.