It’s getting hard to stay hopeful during IVF
You might begin IVF feeling full of hope.
After a lot of struggle with infertility, you may be feeling that you finally have a solution that will help you achieve your family.
So you commit fully. You do everything you can to give it the best chance of working.
And you really let yourself believe it will.
And then the first cycle doesn’t work
Naturally you are filled with disappointment.
You may be shocked.
And your hope is dashed.
But it’s more than that.
Suddenly IVF doesn’t feel so straightforward. And fear starts to creep in.
What if… it doesn’t work?
It is common to feel this and then try to push those thoughts aside, not wanting to dwell on the what ifs, not wanting to be negative.
The clinic reassures you there’s no reason not to try again.
Although they didn’t tell you this beforehand, they might now describe the first round as more of a test cycle. One which helped them determine how your body responds, and how to adapt the approach to best achieve success.
And they are the experts. They know what they are doing.
So you tell yourself there’s no reason it shouldn’t work next time.
You feel reassured and you recommit. You let yourself hope once more, and and you go again.
Until… the next cycle also fails.
There are so many things that can go wrong, so many steps where the cycle can falter.
It may be no eggs were collected.
Or no embryos made it.
Or you transferred an embryo but it didn’t stick.
Or perhaps you were lucky and you got that longed for positive pregnancy test - only to experience the devastation of an early miscarriage.
Whatever happened, the reality is you are back where you started.
Still facing infertility, and IVF feeling like the only possible solution. But at this point, after two failed cycles (or possibly more), you are not feeling as optimistic or as hopeful any more.
Hope starts to feel painful
Why losing hope during IVF can feel so frightening
After repeated disappointment and loss with IVF, something starts to shift…
The disappointment and pain feels heavier.
Hope starts to feel complicated.
Painful.
Bittersweet.
Something you want to hold onto.
But also something that hurts.
And it’s getting harder and harder to keep holding onto hope.
This can be frightening.
Because you might wonder, if I don’t have hope, can I do this?
You may be asking yourself if starting to lose hope means you’re giving up.
Or somehow bound to fail.
Feeling caught between hope and self-protection
You might feel caught between trying to hold onto hope, but also wanting to protect yourself from more pain and loss.
Not wanting to get your hopes up again because of how it feels when it fails.
But not knowing how to keep going without it.
So you may try to make yourself be hopeful - by forcing positivity before appointments, transfers or tests. And then feeling guilty because it’s half-hearted.
Or seeming positive and optimistic to everyone else, but knowing internally that you are faking it - putting on a show of being positive, but actually feeling anything but.
This is a point where support might be really helpful.
IVF therapy can help you through this
Having somewhere to bring these feelings, talk about them openly and have them validated, can feel like a big relief.
Somewhere safe to say how it really feels and to acknowledge how emotionally complicated it has become.
You can share…
The hope. The fear. The pain and loss. The exhaustion that sits underneath it all.
Wanting to keep trying, but being scared to because it hurts so much when it fails.
But finding the alternative - giving up - even more intolerable.
Therapy can give you space to share all of these conflicting thoughts and feelings.
You can voice your internal fears, share your pain around this whole journey, and explore the pain of continuing to hope after all you have been through.
Beyond this, in therapy we can also explore what hope means for you now. And whether it has to look the way it did in the beginning for you to be able to continue with IVF. Or if there is another way to approach things. Often there is.
And if it feels helpful I can be alongside you as you take the next steps in navigating this difficult journey. Helping you find ways to keep moving forward with IVF, if that is what you want.
Whatever the rest of your journey holds, you don’t have to hold all of this on your own.
I’m Saff Mitten
I am a therapist who supports women with all aspects of the IVF and infertility journey.
I am passionate about this work because I have been through IVF and fertility issues myself, and I know how difficult it can be.
If you would like support, or just want to know more, please contact me. I offer a free no-pressure introductory chat.
My Professional Qualifications
MA, Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy
Pg. Dip, Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy
Dip, Integrative Counselling
And more than a decade of experience working as a counsellor and psychotherapist
Professional Memberships
Registered Member, BACP and I abide by their code of ethics
Member, BICA
Miscarriage Association -
I am an approved therapist on their Counsellors Directory
You might also relate to these topics:
When an IVF cycle doesn’t work
Taking a break from IVF treatment
Deciding whether to continue IVF
Getting Support
Many women seek IVF counselling when hope starts to feel harder to hold onto.
I am a counsellor and psychotherapist who specialises in supporting women with all aspects of IVF and infertility.
Alongside my professional experience, this is something I’ve experienced personally. So I understand how difficult it can be when hope starts to feel painful and complicated.
I offer online therapy sessions across the UK. If you feel you could benefit from support, please contact me. I would like to help if I can.