I don’t know whether I can keep going with IVF
There can come a point with IVF where you don’t know what to do anymore.
You might feel completely torn.
Part of you wants to keep going.
To try again.
To not give up.
And another part of you feels completely and utterly exhausted.
Drained.
Like you don’t know how much more you can take.
Wondering if you have anything left to give.
And if you have a partner, this might not feel straightforward between you either.
This isn’t just about whether to do another cycle
This isn’t just about whether to do another cycle. It’s about what it means if you stop.
And what that might mean can feel unbearable.
Because giving up on IVF may mean giving up on your possibility of becoming a mother.
Letting go of a dream you have been invested in, and holding onto for years.
A dream you may have built your whole life and your identity around.
And you might find yourself wondering:
Am I really ready to stop?
Am I able to stop?
Could I live with that decision?
Could I find a way to be ok if motherhood never happens for me?
For many women, these are some of the hardest questions they have ever had to face.
So much so that you might try not to let those thoughts in at all
You might find yourself going back and forth.
One day thinking:
I’ll try again. I can do one more cycle.
And the next:
I don’t think I can go through this again. I don’t know if I can cope with anymore failure and loss.
But also wondering:
How much longer can I put my life on hold for?
Am I being realistic to keep trying… or is this now a pipe dream?
There can be so much pressure
Pressure from all angles.
From time.
From age.
From the money you have spent.
The effort you have already put in. The level of commitment and sacrifice.
And how much you desperately want this to work.
You might worry about regretting a decision to stop.
What if I stop too soon?
What if the next cycle would have worked?
But also…
What if I keep going and it doesn’t work?
How much more can I put myself through?
When is enough, enough?
These questions can feel relentless. And often there are no clear answers.
It feels like an impossible decision
It can feel like an impossible position to be in.
How do you decide whether to give up on trying to become a mother - the thing you have wanted and longed for, for so long.
There is no obvious answer. Just uncertainty, and the weight of having to decide.
One of the reasons this decision can feel so impossible is that there isn’t an option that is clear cut and without sacrifice or pain.
Continuing will mean more fertility treatment. More waiting, more hope, more uncertainty. And no guarantee anything will be different than before.
But the thought of stopping feels immeasurably painful. It would mean letting go of something you have been fighting for, for so long. Something that matters deeply to you. That you never thought you would have to consider giving up on. And yet here you are…
So you are caught between two painful choices. Trying to work out which one feels right for you and your life, at this point, after all this time.
You might wish someone else would decide for you. Take the responsibility off your shoulders.
But that guidance often isn’t there in the way that you might hope. Clinics can give you statistics. But the decision of whether to keep going or not is ultimately up to you.
Friends and family may try to be supportive. But they often don’t want to say the wrong thing, and don’t want to have an opinion.
And your partner - if you have one - may also defer the decision to you more-so than them. They may say, I will support whatever it is you want to do now.
Therapy may be helpful
Speaking to a therapist who has been on this journey herself, and works with women at all stages of this process, might feel really helpful.
It can give you a place to share your thoughts and feelings openly. To express your fears and uncertainty.
To process what stopping might mean for you and how to come to terms with that.
And to explore what it would be like to continue - as well as what might help you do that, if you decide you want to.
This isn’t a space to give advice or direction.
It is somewhere to be listened to. And to be asked the kind of questions that can help you to find your own answers - the ones that feel right for you, now.
I understand the enormity of this decision and how much of a crossroads you are facing. It means so much.
So if you do come to see me for support in navigating this, it would be done carefully. Gently. And at a pace that feels right for you.
Giving you the space and time to work through this decision to come to a place in yourself that you feel able to make a choice you can accept.
And from there, to be supported through your next steps - whatever they may be. Whether that’s continuing, pausing or stopping for good.
Or looking at other options around building a family.
Whatever feels right for you, support is here.
I’m Saff Mitten
I am a therapist who supports women with all aspects of the IVF and infertility journey.
I am passionate about this work because I have been through IVF and fertility issues myself, and I know how difficult it can be.
If you would like support, or just want to know more, please contact me. I offer a free no-pressure introductory chat.
My Professional Qualifications
MA, Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy
Pg. Dip, Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy
Dip, Integrative Counselling
And more than a decade of experience working as a counsellor and psychotherapist
Professional Memberships
Registered Member, BACP and I abide by their code of ethics
Member, BICA
Miscarriage Association -
I am an approved therapist on their Counsellors Directory
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I think I need a break from IVF
I feel like I’m losing myself during IVF
It’s getting hard to stay hopeful during IVF
Getting Support
I am a counsellor and psychotherapist who specialises in supporting women with all aspects of IVF and infertility.
Alongside my professional experience, this is something I’ve experienced personally. So I understand how difficult it can be, especially when you reach a point of debating whether or not to stop trying.
I offer online therapy sessions across the UK. If you feel you could benefit from support, please contact me. I would like to help if I can.