Miscarriage after IVF
Losing an IVF pregnancy is devastating
Miscarriage is always deeply painful. But when it happens after IVF, there is often another layer to the grief because you fought so hard for this pregnancy.
It was such a hard won pregnancy
You went through so much to get to this point.
The months.
The years.
The sacrifices.
The hope and disappointment.
Cycle after IVF cycle.
To finally get a positive pregnancy test and to know an embryo has stuck, it often doesn’t even feel real at first. You need the clinic to confirm it before you fully believe.
And then you might start to let yourself trust that it is finally your time. After everything, you are finally pregnant.
But then -
You world falls out from under you.
You start to bleed. Or you go to a scan and hear those devasting words:
“I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat.”
However you find out, at whatever point it happens, this loss can bring you to the floor with shock and grief.
It is impossibly hard.
And so, so unfair.
There may be a moment where you wonder if you can survive it.
There is no simple way to grieve this loss
There is no right way to feel after miscarriage. And there is no clear path through it. The emotions can be varied and many.
There can be shock.
Disbelief.
Deep, overwhelming grief.
Sadness.
Anger.
Hopelessness.
Fear.
Anxiety.
Questions about why it happened.
Self blame - wondering if you did something wrong.
Blaming your body for letting you and your baby down.
Trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense.
You may find yourself replaying everything. Looking for answers.
Wondering if there was something you missed.
Something you could have done differently. Even though there isn’t.
The loss can bring fears about the future
For many women, the grief is not only about losing the pregnancy itself, it is also about what the loss means.
If it took years of infertility and IVF to get pregnant, you may find yourself asking questions like:
What if this was my only chance at pregnancy?
Or what if it takes years more?
If I put myself through another IVF cycle and I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, will I lose that baby too?
What if I never get to become a mother?
The future can revert to feeling much more uncertain again, and this only contributes to the grief you are already feeling.
I’m Saff Mitten
I am a therapist who supports women with all aspects of the IVF and infertility journey.
I am passionate about this work because I have been through IVF and fertility issues myself, and I know how difficult it can be.
If you would like support, or just want to know more, please contact me. I offer a free no-pressure introductory chat.
My Professional Qualifications
MA, Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy
Pg. Dip, Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy
Dip, Integrative Counselling
And more than a decade of experience working as a counsellor and psychotherapist
Professional Memberships
Registered Member, BACP and I abide by their code of ethics
Member, BICA
Miscarriage Association -
I am an approved therapist on their Counsellors Directory
Somewhere to process it all
Having a safe, supportive space to share all of this and be supported through it may be helpful - especially if it’s with a therapist who has personally experienced this and understands what it is like both personally and professionally.
It can be a place for you to be witnessed in your grief and have it acknowledged for how significant and valid it is.
Somewhere to share your pain, your disbelief at the loss. To cry openly.
And to be given permission and encouragement to feel everything that is coming up for you. Grief from IVF miscarriage may bring up all sorts of complicated feelings including anger, despair, fear, anxiety, numbness…
Therapy can support you to share, to grieve and to come to terms with what has happened. Not to move on from it, or forget, but to honour your loss and how much this pregnancy - this baby - meant to you.
And then, when you are ready, to begin to think about what comes next. When it feels possible to start to consider this. No pressure, only gentle support, care and understanding. At a pace that feels right for you.
You don’t have to go through this alone.
Getting Support
I am a counsellor and psychotherapist who specialises in supporting women with all aspects of IVF and infertility.
Alongside my professional experience, IVF and infertility is something I’ve experienced personally. So I understand how difficult it can be. I have also experienced miscarriage after IVF and know how devasting this is.
I offer online therapy sessions across the UK. If you feel you could benefit from support, please contact me. I would like to help if I can.