The pain of other people’s pregnancies during IVF
It is common to find it really painful when other people around you are getting pregnant and you are struggling so much with IVF and infertility.
It hurts when other people are pregnant and you still aren’t
When you have been through so much, and have been trying for years to get pregnant - then resorting to IVF and other fertility treatment - it can be really hard when friends, colleagues or family members announce a pregnancy.
It can bring up so much grief and sense of loss that you are still trying, still doing everything you possibly can, but it hasn’t worked yet.
Whereas, they may have only been trying for a short while - or not at all - and they got pregnant seemingly easily, without effort.
When you think about all the sacrifices you have made to try and have a baby, all the time, energy and money you have spent - it doesn’t seem fair.
It may feel hard to be around pregnant women and babies
You may find that you get to a point where it feels too difficult to be around pregnant women, or friends with babies.
It might feel too painful, and you can’t force yourself to just seem happy and supportive due to how much you are struggling.
This doesn’t mean you aren’t happy for them and don’t wish them well.
But when they have the one thing you want more than anything, and you don’t know for sure if you will ever get there, that can really be challenging to deal with.
So you might find yourself making up excuses why you can’t attend baby showers, or visit new mums and hold their babies.
Or perhaps you have the kind of relationship where you can tell your friends why you need to pull back for a bit, as you are just struggling too much.
Either way, it makes sense, and it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.
Sometimes we need to protect ourselves from situations that feel too triggering or hard because we don’t have the same level of resilience we used to.
You wonder why them and not me?
It can feel really unfair that it comes so easily for other people, yet you are struggling and you want it so much.
You would give anything to be pregnant and have a baby. So why hasn’t it happened?
Why are you the one who is dealing with infertility?
Why are you the one who has been trying year after year?
You might feel angry, resentful and frustrated, that you have to struggle and other people don’t.
You might feel envious and wish you were the one pregnant.
You might even feel you deserve it more, because you have been trying for so long and put so much commitment into making this happen.
You may feel angry at the world
IVF and infertility can take you to a really dark place at times and it may be that you are feeling really angry about how unfair your situation is.
You may be angry at the world.
Angry and resentful of other pregnant women.
You may feel like you want to shout and scream at the unjustness of it all.
And you are sick and tired of hearing about other people’s happiness.
These are feelings women often don’t want to admit to. They feel ashamed for having these thoughts and emotions. Or like it must make them a bad person.
But it is normal under the circumstances.
It is valid.
It makes sense given how much you want this for yourself, and how hard it has been for you for so long.
The randomness of who gets to become a mum easily and who has to struggle, or never gets there, is unfair.
You deserve support and understanding.
I’m Saff Mitten
I am a therapist who supports women with all aspects of the IVF and infertility journey.
I am passionate about this work because I have been through IVF and fertility issues myself, and I know how difficult it can be.
If you would like support, or just want to know more, please contact me. I offer a free no-pressure introductory chat.
My Professional Qualifications
MA, Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy
Pg. Dip, Integrative Counselling and Psychotherapy
Dip, Integrative Counselling
And more than a decade of experience working as a counsellor and psychotherapist
Professional Memberships
Registered Member, BACP and I abide by their code of ethics
Member, BICA
Miscarriage Association -
I am an approved therapist on their Counsellors Directory
Somewhere to share openly
When you are in this position it can be really beneficial to get support from a therapist who has been through this themselves, understands what it is like both personally and professionally.
Therapy is somewhere you can share all of these thoughts and feelings without judgement.
Where you can be openly angry, resentful, frustrated, envious, jealous, bitter and hurt.
Somewhere you can share the unjustness of it all.
Where you can talk about not wanting to be around your pregnant friends or friends and their babies.
Where you can share all the thoughts and feelings you are having, no holds barred - and know that you will be understood and given the compassion and support you need.
You are going through something incredibly challenging which has impacted you in ways you probably never expected, and it is normal to be responding to the situation in the way you are.
You deserve for that to be acknowledged, and to know it is completely ok to feel these things. You aren’t selfish. You aren’t a bad person. You don’t wish bad things for your friends. You are just struggling and wanting a baby so much, that you are being triggered and it is all becoming too much right now.
You deserve support, care and understanding to help you through this.
Please know, you don’t have to go through this alone.
Getting Support
I am a counsellor and psychotherapist who specialises in supporting women with all aspects of IVF and infertility.
Alongside my professional experience, IVF and infertility is something I’ve experienced personally. I had a long IVF and infertility journey and I know how hard it can become to be around pregnant women and babies. I also know how complicated your thoughts and feelings may be right now. I lived it and I felt those things too.
I offer online therapy sessions across the UK. If you feel you could benefit from support, please contact me. I would like to help if I can.